My One Friend

It was hard to see them at first, even after noticing my One Friend. But it did not take long to learn how to recognize them amidst the crowd. Such intense eyes stare out towards me and perhaps it is my own foolish perception, but I when I look into them, all I see is longing. They were like me. I could them wanting something so badly and knowing full well that it was something they could never have.

I took comfort in that.

Even with how my One Friend appeared to me, it was difficult to be afraid, difficult to be angry, I could not even feel confusion creep into me as I stared back. I felt relief to know of someone like this, to know that even if I wanted to, I could not be alone.

And I won't be alone, ever again. I do not wish to return there in any case. Even if this one leaves me here with no understanding of what I am to do here, I prefer it. But such a sentence implies that it is possible to isolate myself in such a way, no. If I were to hide away somewhere, I am always found eventually and when I am, that stare they give me, seems to grow harder... Those eyes gazing at me with such an intense longing towards me, as if they themselves would be the ones to take hold of me and take me to some unknown plane.

My One Friend.

They don't exist in one place, nor are they always by my side, but rather, my One Friend is always around me. Not here in their own form, but instead, borrowing those of which already possess one. The people that surround me. As I move through the crowds on the outside, perhaps it would be the child that turns to stare at me, or one of those teenagers loitering outside of a store. They have no recollection of my One Friend's presence. That makes it easier I think.

Visiting my father seems pointless now as only my One Friend inhabits that house now. But that's okay, or rather... It's been okay for a long while. Longer than I wish to think about.

It's hard to catch them out, they know how to hide and I was grateful for that. They were my secret and even if they could blend in when they desired, I knew they were there, my One Friend... Sharing my pain, I was so sure that they were sharing my pain with me. 

That gaze, so full of longing.

A Loss and a Gain

I no longer understand my role here. I do not refer to this blog, nor the internet. What I do not understand my place in rather, would be the life I now live. Ever since my One Friend began to accompany me, I have begun to feel... Empty As if I were not needed for any of this, as if their plan didn't even involve me and even if it were to, then what? What's the point? Do I even want to be a cog in this? To go along with something that just makes me feel so... Hollow?

I didn't always feel like this though... 

That knowledge doesn't help me. Knowing that the past was a better place, to know of somewhere that no matter how much want or need I may have to get there... I can't go back.

But yes, there was a time in what feels like long ago where I had someone before my One Friend. Someone who could so easily fill my world with so much light that it blinded me to the bad and that wasn't such a horrible thing to feel. But it's when the light goes out after spending so much time with it that everything around you suddenly feels so dark. That's what I was left with. That someone went away and for so long all I felt I could look at was that darkness.

Perhaps it was by my own choice that I chose not to look for any other light, that I stayed where I was for so long. Of course there were others that tried to help me... But they were pushed away from me, I was intent on remaining in this world I had isolated myself to. That was foolish... I would even call it reckless of me to do.

I don't believe anyone can handle being alone, it is just not in a human's nature to live for so long in isolation.

Perhaps the loneliness that had crept into my heart was what called to them. My One Friend. Did I become a target to such a being because of what I had become? Perhaps.

For in that state is when I finally met my One Friend, or rather, when I finally began to notice them. I do not know when they had arrived because for so damned long I refused to look. Perhaps it was a stroke of luck that I saw my One Friend watching me with such an intense gaze, that stroke of luck being my first attempt to look for something that wasn't that darkness. 

I don't know why I was willing to do such a thing.